Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
(I’m combining these three days as they’re all very similar and if I keep to this (sad) one post per week pace, it will take forever to get through the list. Also, this post turned into a “History of Susannah’s sex and kink and D/s life”. So there you go. Enjoy.)
As I noted in a previous 30 Days of Kink post, I knew I was dominant by nature when I was very small. Almost all of my friends were boys growing up and I enjoyed being in charge and telling them what to do. Sadly, it was the 1970s and 1980s and I was told by everyone (including, repeatedly, my mother), to back off, to slow down, to not be so “forward”. I was told I would “scare off” or “intimidate” boys when I started dating. I internalized this message (being rather young and impressionable) despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary (I went to five different Proms in two years, for example). There was no shortage of boys liking me for who I was…but I pushed that “forward” part of me down and struggled (unsuccessfully – duh) for years to have relationships based on complete equality, to subvert my desires for another’s, etc… And to the surprise of no one, it failed miserably (see the evidence of 25 years of failed relationships including two failed marriages).
I discovered there was something called “Femdom” when I first entered SecondLife (Google that if you need to) in June of 2007. In SecondLife, the Femdom communities I found were full of women and men who understood female dominated relationships the way I did – FemDom was not automatically associated with Financial Domination nor Professional Domination (those were defined as communities distinct from FemDom ones, in fact). When I wandered into my first FemDom community in SecondLife, I immediately felt at home – it was like an invisible weight I hadn’t known I was carrying was suddenly lifted from my shoulders and I could finally be ME.
One of the unique things about the VERY active FemDom communities in SecondLife was that they held regular (weekly or more often) focused discussions on a wide variety of topics related to FemDom and D/s relationships. These discussions were led by folks from all around the world who were (or had been) living in D/s relationships in “Real Life” (i.e. not just online). The second unique (and amazingly awesome) thing about these communities is that they were incredibly international. At any given discussion you could hear from people from at least a dozen countries and as many time zones. It provided (and continues to provide on a more limited basis today) an incredible education on navigating D/s relationships and FemDom as we define it. The discussions are thoughtful, researched, (usually) respectful, and attended by both female (and female identified) dominants and submissives of any gender.
I had no idea this experience was so unique until I began exploring munches in the “Real World”. I firmly believe it was the foundation provided by those years of weekly discussions (and countless informal conversations) in SecondLife that helped me shape my own personal views on FemDom and D/s relationships. When FetLife came around, I held off joining for a few months, but finally jumped in. I found an extension of the sorts of conversations I’d been having in SecondLife, and I continued to learn from the people I encountered there and eventually at munches and events in Real Life (i.e. not online).
“But Susannah”, you may be thinking, “you’ve written more than 500 words and you haven’t answered the prompts for this post!”
I’m getting there….but for me, the power dynamic, the relationships, are much more integral and powerful to me than the kinks.
My first boyfriend was 16 – I was 13. It was my summer between elementary school and high school. We’d fool around for HOURS in his basement – left all alone in the dark with music playing. Neither of us ever took off any of our clothes (I think he took off his shirt a few times), but we’d make out until our lips were swollen and raw. We’d leave hickeys on each other – the usual teenage stuff.
BUT… (and I didn’t make this connection to my dominance until rather recently) what we’d also do is rub our genitals together through our jeans. I was ALWAYS on top – “riding” him. And I LOVED to rub his hard cock through his jeans and ride him until he came IN HIS JEANS. Ahem.
I made my next serious boyfriend come in his jeans too. A lot. But I didn’t feel ready for what I defined as sex at the time (penis in vagina sex). That relationship lasted two and a half years.
After high school graduation, I felt “ready” for “sex”. (I was 17 – I have no idea now why “then” felt right). I was dating someone I’d known for a few years as friends. He was sweet and kind and I talked to him about being “ready” and wanting to do it with him for my first time. He took that seriously and INSISTED I be on top so I “could control things”.
In college, I really enjoyed being boys’ first sexual experience and teaching them that the woman on top position was better.
“But Susannah”, you may be thinking, “that still doesn’t address the prompts for this post!”
Well, I disagree somewhat, but…
My first experience with handcuffs was with a short-lived partner I had when I was 20. I’d just graduated from University. He had a pair of police-style metal handcuffs. We experimented with both of us being restrained by them at different times. I enjoyed it all but had no idea why and no context for it.
At some point, I must have begun fantasizing about more kinky things, but I have no actual memories of this. But after my first (painfully vanilla) marriage ended after seven years, I know I was a member of a kinky Yahoo group and Alt.com (that’s about all there was out there back in those days). It was through the Yahoo group that I met my second husband. THAT marriage (also about seven years long) was INCREDIBLY kinky. We tried ALL THE THINGS. We had really amazing, crazy, kinky sex one to two times a day, every single day, for over three and a half years. And then he began to change and things unraveled from there (however, that’s not a story for this forum). BUT… neither of us had the knowledge of nor language for things like D/s, or power exchange. I discovered SeondLife and the concept of D/s and Femdom near the end of that marriage – but it was too far gone by that point to salvage and he was unable or unwilling to hear about any of it.
During the last gasps of that dying marriage, I had also discovered a fun little website called OrgasmDenial.com. I think it may still be around. It was there that I honed my tease and denial skills and learned a LOT about male chastity. My then-husband, it turned out, LOVED CBT – I had just hadn’t had the language for it. I was able to channel the experiences with my husband into what I was doing on OrgasmDenail.com. I discovered SecondLife around the same time, and the rest, as they say, is history.