Comfort Zones

Yes, I’ve been quiet here again. Things have been progressing amazingly well with Hobbes, who’s started his own blog here.

A couple of years ago, I put this quote on my FetLife profile:

I like being alone. I have control over my own shit. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude.
You’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zones.

                                                                         ~ Horacio Jones

To my complete and utter surprise, Hobbes has done just that. His presence feels better than my solitude far more often than the opposite. So much so that we’re working out the details of him moving in with me sometime soon. (The largest hurdle is finding someone to take over his half of his current lease.) My home is large enough to provide him with a space of his own (he’s already moved a weight bench and some of his clothing into the dresser in the spare room), but when he’s here (often for several days in a row), he follows me from room to room like a puppy. Now if you’d have told me someone was like that, even a year ago, I would have shuddered and said – ew, I need my space! But somehow, with Hobbes, it’s just sweet.

I think it’s due in part to his natural submission toward me.  He’s not advancing his own agenda (secret or otherwise), like so many (most? all?) men I’ve been with in the past. He demands nothing of me but comfort and some attention. In fact, he demands nothing at all. He’s just genuinely happy to be with me. And I with him.

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying pushing Hobbes past his comfort zones a bit in the kink realm. I went back and read one of his earliest blog posts (his blog was for my eyes only until recently), and he said something to the effect of  “I think I could tolerate pain if it was the only way I could get affection/attention”.  I introduced the concept of pain = pleasure by some nipple play during foreplay and sex. His cock responded instantly and he even let out a moan.

Nipples were his gateway to masochism.

He’s evolved (and continues to evolve) into someone with an amazingly high tolerance for pain who absolutely adores whatever I can dish out. For the first time, I’m able to let my sadistic side have free reign. I don’t have to hold back at all – he loves every deliciously evil fresh torture I come up with for him. (For photographic evidence, please see his blog.)

In fact, every single thing I’ve introduced him to, he seems to love. From electrical play to hypnosis, to breath play he has embraced it all and just wants more. Pain makes him giggle (though my goal is to push him past that and elicit tears….we’re getting there…). Bondage makes him swoon. Breath play puts him instantly into subspace.

He wears his collar and fitted black jockey shorts whenever he’s at my place (the shorts are to protect my furniture from his….excitement), and we often add his cuffs as well. I want to work on incorporating more protocols into our time at home – I think that once he’s living here, this will be somewhat easier as we can establish more routines.

He’s met my friends in the kink community and gets along well with them. I’ve met his (vanilla) friends and shared some beers with them. We go on various adventures in New England and I’m looking forward to warmer weather when we can do more of this. In short, the relationship works on a non-kink/D/s side as well. Something I call a foundational relationship. Something I feel strongly is vital to the ultimate success of a D/s relationship. Before a long-term power-imbalanced relationship can be successful, there has to be a solid foundation upon which to build it.

This relationship has the potential to evolve into what I’ve always wanted a D/s relationship to be. I should note that while I have a general idea of this in my head, I want very much to craft a relationship that works for the both of us and has plenty of room to grow and evolve over time.

He also continues to be on board with my inherent (albeit absent of late) polyamory.

On other fronts, I have a job that I love for the first time in a long time. I think I’ve found a place where I truly belong and where my contributions are recognized and appreciated AND I’m paid well for them for the first time in my life. For the first time in my life, I’m not living paycheck to paycheck and am actually able to start paying down my debt in a serious way. My daughter is doing well – she texted today to say she got her first raise – she’s working full time as a bank teller while she works on her Masters Degree online (800 miles away from me). For a 20 year old living with chronic pain, epilepsy, narcolepsy, and anxiety, she’s doing amazingly well and I’m stupid-proud of her. She’s supporting herself 100% – no small feat.

For the first time in a really long time, I’m in a good place on so many fronts. I’m comfortable.

And then the world outside my comfort zone went to shit. I’ve always been fairly consistent in my political views, and tried to live according to my personal values. I also list my personal code of ethics on my FetLife profile, which drives my behavior no matter who I’m around:

  • Do no harm
  • Meet people where they are
  • Accept people as they choose to present to you
  • People first, roles second

I’ve been able to “live by personal example” and feel pretty good about myself. I donate time and money where and when I can to support people and causes that are in line with my personal beliefs. But now, that’s no longer enough. Now, I feel propelled outside my comfort zone, obligated to shout from the rooftops that what is happening in my country is NOT OK! Right now, my place to scream into the void has been largely Twitter (if you’re not following me there, I’m @GeekDomme). I was unable to attend the recent Women’s March but I was there in spirit. I fear there will be a larger battle in the weeks and months ahead – we’ll need all of us for that. Sometimes being pushed outside your comfort zone results in greater good. Let’s do this.

I’ll leave you with this:

(For the story behind this video, please read this article. You can view the original video on Milck’s site here.)

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