Dating Kinky After 40: A Rant

Firstly, let me just get this out of the way here: dating SUCKS.

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I hate it.

I hate the “game”.

I hate the “dance”.

I hate the second guessing.

I hate the waiting for a return text/message/email/phone call.

I hate the energy required to open up enough of your life so someone knows who you are – and having to do it over and over again….draining.

Now let’s look at what it means to be a woman in her 40’s and dating:

Less patience for all of the above.

Guys your age are single for a reason – and it’s rarely because they’ve just been waiting to meet you their whole lives. ๐Ÿ˜›

(Yeah, yeah, I’m single for a reason too: I’m selective dammit!)

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When you do meet someone your own age for a coffee or a beer after chatting on line (because let’s be honest – how else do you meet anyone these days?), you’re likely to spend considerable time comparing surgery scars, medications, and their associated ailments and tests. SCINTILLATING conversation, let me tell you! (True story.)

OK so all that’s manageable – a bit tedious but doable, right?

Now let’s add the wrinkle of kink and D/s….

Boom! You just upped the difficulty level exponentially.

boom

A friend of mine put it this way on Twitter recently:

“Dating as a vanilla woman feels like a cocktail party. Dating as a kinky woman often feels like an elimination sport with no winners. Next!”

When do you mention what during the getting-to-know-you phase?

Do you open with it and risk scaring someone off who might be open to it down the road?

Do you wait and risk finding someone pretty great who isn’t into kink and/or D/s?

Do you hint at it?

Do you feel them out? When? First meet? Second? Before the first kiss? After?

If you start out knowing the other is kinky and/or on the other side of the slash because INTERNET….you still have the awkwardness of meeting to get to know each other and gauge chemistry. I want to know and be compatible with the other person on more levels than kink – but how to balance that in the early days? How much time and energy do you expend on the sharing of who you are on the first meet? On the second?

See here’s the thing:

At this point in my life – having been married twice (and divorced twice), having raised a child to adulthood, having lived nearly 45 years on this planet as a fairly self-aware human being….

I know what I want.

Yes, I’m always learning and growing and becoming. But right now, I have a pretty good idea of what I’m looking for. I’ve settled in my past – and it’s yet to turn out particularly well (see above re: twice divorced).

And yes, I know that being TOO selective is a losing game – I do understand that.

BUT…

…. I know what I NEED for a relationship to function and flourish. I know what direction I want to learn and grow and become. And I know the sort of person that is compatible with that journey.

So I’ve spelled it out pretty clearly. In more detail than most folks expect or even want to read. I’ve spelled it out on Fetlife and on vanilla dating sites as well (and yes, on the dreaded CollarMe/CollarSpace).

Which helps in one sense. As my friend on Twitter put it: Knowing my kinks makes dating more of a multiple-choice examination. Fewer choices makes things easier in a way.

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It serves as a filter so you have to do less of the stuff at the top of this post. And if people know your kinks and know you’re looking for a D/s relationship (and not just kink/play partners), it narrows the field even more. BUT…

BUT….

…it’s not a foolproof filter.

I still have to slog through a shit-ton of messages that are by turn rude, insulting, unintelligible, and completely inane. I still have to explain that yes, I really am dominant, no I’m not a switch, no really, I am positive it’s not because I just haven’t met the right male dominant.

Now before you say to me, “But GeekDomme! You should go meet people in person, not online!” just hang on.

I do. I go to munches. I go to events. I go to rope meets and classes of all sorts. I go to conventions when I can. I get out there!

And ….

….it’s NO DIFFERENT in person. Really.

I went to a munch tonight. A really great munch – 45+ people! Some really nice, decent folks. And some utter idiots. Go on – ask me how many single male subs there were?

ZERO

Ask me how many male switches tried to convince me to bottom to them sometime? (I lost count – please don’t ask me that.)

One charmer actually messaged me on Fetlife during the munch (I tend to add everyone I meet immediately – yay for Smart Phones). His message consisted of four words total – and one of them was text-speak. He didn’t seem to understand why that was a problem when I called him on it (in person). I cannot make this shit up.ย 

I know it’s about being patient and staying true to my ideals and what I want and need in my life right now.

But damn dating kinky after 40 just SUCKS.

/end rant

p.s. I have another first-meet-for-coffee lined up for Saturday morning with someone from a website other than FetLife. Wish me luck. Send energy!

9 thoughts on “Dating Kinky After 40: A Rant

  1. ENERGY BLAST coming your way! Don’t duck!

    It’s a bloody marathon. A Bataan Death March. But I’m so glad I’ve made friends like you on the trip.

    And now I’m curious who has it worse, female subs or female doms. I suspect it’s you guys. We both get the oblivious/casual/sleazy sexism, but you get the desperation of scarcity as well.

  2. Good luck!

    I admire that you offer to meet so many. I think that shows a lovely optimism (despite your (completely justified) rant :)). Of those I meet online, I like so few that taking it to a meeting is super rare.

    Ferns

  3. What a great article on the difficulties of dating after 40 particularly in the kink community. I find what you say to be totally true based on my experiences in the kink community. I am not searching but I have met others that are and it makes me sad in a way for them but I know that if you persist you will eventually find someone that meets what you are looking for. Best wishes Ma’am.

  4. I would have commented sooner, but I guess I haven’t been checking my kinky bookmarks recently.

    Anyway, dating is tough at any age, kinky or not. Layering on years and kink definitely make it that much harder. I’ve been as active in the kink community as I really could over the past couple of years, and I know (in person) maybe four dominant women, and I’m incompatible with them all for various reasons. But if it’s important, you keep at it. You don’t lower your standards or hope you can change someone.

    So I was happy for you (and a bit jealous of the guy) when you mentioned on twitter that you had a good experience with a newbie.

    1. Yeah, I get that dating is never great at any age. I was just venting.

      I’m absolutely not lowering my standards – I know what I want and what I deserve.

      And I keep telling you to move to New England! ๐Ÿ˜›

  5. Much as I can sympathize with your experiences I just had to chuckle. I think that
    I have experienced just about everything that you mention. We are the same age
    divorced and put through the dating “wringer”. I read your “about me” section and
    we seem to have a lot in common.

    If it helps at all I did find someone, though he is a slave, not a partner but each have
    their own benefits. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I do not know where you live but I am in the Washington area and I would offer you a glass
    of wine to compare war stories if you were close.

    Anyway, good luck to you and I hope your search yields results for you.

    J.

    1. Thanks! I’m glad you found someone! I remain hopeful! I’m in the Boston area, but I appreciate the offer!

      S

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