I Can’t Make This Shit Up

I’ve been in online chat rooms since 1985 – several years before the advent of the World Wide Web and graphical interfaces. Back then, you had to type the physical address of the machine that was hosting the bulletin board or chat room  you wanted to visit next. There was no back button, no mouse, no breadcrumbs. I’d get hopelessly lost and meander the Internet for as long as my babysitting money held out (Internet access cost $6/hour for dial-up and I had to pay my dad for the time I used it).


Back then, I deliberately chose androgynous screen names for myself – females were few and far between and if any of the guys got wind of my being a 15 year old girl, they morphed into a socially-awkward version of Humbert Humbert. (These were NOT dating chat rooms, by the way!)

So I learned fast. I learned how to deflect. How to ignore. How to not bait the trolls.


When sites with profiles became the norm in the 90s, I translated that knowledge into crafting profiles that were deliberately fine-tuned to deflect, to screen out the clueless, the wankers, the trolls, and the idiots. My profiles today, without fail, are detailed and quite clear that if you message me and I can’t tell you’ve read my profile, if you have nothing beyond “hi, the weather is awesome/crap lately, isn’t it?”,  and/or if you can’t use correct grammar and spelling,  I will summarily ignore you.

But sometimes…oh sometimes….

… a few manage to get through my defenses and send me the most bizzare/offensive/amusing messages.

Most of the time I just hit the delete button and/or scroll on past them.  It’s old news – women on the Internet get obnoxious messages. Most female bloggers have shared their share of them. There’s even a group or two on Fetlife devoted to these sorts of messages.

But sometimes…oh sometimes….

… I can’t resist responding. Generally with snark and condescension. Not the most adult response, I know.

I’ve been sharing some of these gems on twitter. I tag them with the title of this post. And now you get to share the bizarre world of my inboxes on various sites.

You’re welcome!

Without further ado (and mostly without further comment), I give you the Shit I Can’t Make Up:

*All spelling and grammar is that of the original posts*

*All of the following were initial contacts from the senders.*

Inbox: yum

Inbox: u couldn’t handle me

Inbox: you’d end up submissive

(Yes all from the same guy – all within 3 min.)

I caved…

Me: Aww…isn’t your misplaced cockiness cute. *pats you on the head* Run along now – this site is for the grownups.

Inbox: mommy?

A couple of weeks ago, a 21-year old messaged me. I asked him to go read my profile again (where I’m clear that being that young is a hard limit for me). His response?….

Inbox: how about you stop being a bitch on here and be a bitch and person and bust my balls

Inbox: “Damn Ma you are way too beautiful to be on this site your the wifey type”

19 m: Hey im new here n jus looking for some friends on here inyrested in the same things as i am and in the same area see u have someone already but mayne u could give me some tips or uk someone who could be right for me

*Note – I am pretty clear in my profile that I am not anyone’s Mistress unless we’re in a committed relationship. In fact, I specifically say “don’t objectify me”.

Inbox: I am looking for someone to control every inch of me. My goal is to be someones bitch boy and do as I am told. If your interested please let me know. Thank you Mistress.

*Note – This gem was sent DURING the munch at which I was introduced to the sender. The entirety of the message is below.

Inbox: Ur pretty lady

Inbox: A decent black male here. Mind being friend? I am mostly submissive

*Really not sure why he felt the need to mention his race. And “mostly” submissive?

Inbox: How you doing mistress? Im a submissive bitch that would love to serve a goddess like yourself…….this is my dream life

*Oh, Boston…how YOU doin’?

Inbox: Too bad you’ve relocated I am seeking a Domme for CBT pegging lite discipline oral service provider for your ass and glorious mound of reward.

*Um…no…I’d say it’s a good thing I relocated! Glorious mound of reward?

Inbox: I love to suck cock please call me for a good time anyime Free blowjob [phone number redacted to protect the idiotic] Make me your bitch now I will do anything Please call

Note: This one is from a male dominant (according to his profile) and included a photo of himself in plastic Viking helmet, holding crossed plastic swords.

Inbox: Rawr!  And how are you today, Miss?

Inbox: Spank me, Mommy

*This one I’m including just for the spelling.

Inbox: Great profile Maam….nice to see a Lady who.believed in protocols! Would thr lady ever consider using or training a frequent visitor but a true dubmissive Maam?

Well, you get the idea. Good for a laugh, but I seriously don’t understand why these guys think their approach would work. Maybe they’re just hoping to get a reaction.


I realize I’ve posted two rather negative posts recently about my dating life. Rest assured, I’ve also met some really nice guys and I’m not discouraged in the least!

But sometimes, I just have to share. 😛

6 thoughts on “I Can’t Make This Shit Up

  1. My fave: “how about you stop being a bitch on here and be a bitch and person and bust my balls”

    I actually laughed out loud at this.

    First – the grammar/word usage: “be a bitch and person” is a compound phrase meaning “be a bitch” and “be a person”. Apparently, he doesn’t think you are a person online.

    Second – there is no way that ANY guy who wants a woman to hit him in the balls is that rude to her. Why? Because she might just hit him in the balls. This is akin to giving someone a loaded gun, gluing the barrel to your temple, and saying, “You’re too stupid to pull the trigger!”

    Third – dominant people generally respond well to be ordered around, right?

    1. “19 m: Hey im new here n jus looking for some friends on here inyrested in the same things as i am and in the same area see u have someone already but mayne u could give me some tips or uk someone who could be right for me”

      I have no idea what that even MEANS.

      1. Oh I can translate it (15 years of teaching 8th grade boys was good for something after all!)….but it’s not pretty.

  2. Simply amazing! I know that there are trolls out there, but these guys seem to be serious, and expecting a serious reply. On occasion, I’ve had keyboard in mouth disease too, but I couldn’t even post stuff like that on purpose.

    They were definitely amusing to read!

  3. You go and bring theze haterz to light !!!!! Your a awesome person from wat I read and nobody haz any right to judge “ANYONE”.
    Keep doing wat your doing.

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