I sometimes get asked, “How have you not found someone yet?”.
Which I take to mean, “Why are you currently single?”, because of course, I HAVE found some wonderful submissives in the past. I’m still friends and in frequent contact with several of them, in fact.
My pat answer to that is, “I’m selective.” Which is true, but that’s not the entire story.
If you read this (sadly too-infrequent) blog, you know that I do get out there and meet people. I have profiles on two kink sites and two traditional sites. I’m up front and clear about who I am, what I’m looking for, and what my limits are (e.g. smoking).
I think, at last count, I’ve had 15 first-meets/first dates since moving to New England in late August. A scant few have resulted in second (and sometimes third) dates. But nobody’s stuck.
The rational part of my brain says, “Well, there must be something wrong with YOU then.” Hence my answer being about me and my personal selectivity in potential submissives.
The truth is more complex.
Some were lying about being single/a smoker/etc…
Some were simply curious about what a “real life dominant woman” looked like.
With some, there was simply no chemistry, or not the right chemistry for both of us.
But there’s a whole lot of other guys – some of whom I’ve met up with and some who languish in email-land for weeks/months – who are afraid.
- They’re afraid of falling down the proverbial rabbit hole of D/s.
- They’re afraid of discovering they really like kinks they find abhorrent.
- They’re afraid of being submissive.
- They’re afraid of liking strap-on sex and/or anal play.
- They’re afraid of even the IDEA of giving up control to another.
- They’re afraid of other people finding out they’re kinky and/or into D/s.
And while I’m sympathetic to a point, it mostly frustrates me, even as I understand it because I was there too, once upon a time.
I spent a lifetime (well, 37 years or so) trying to live up to others’ expectations, trying to squash who I was into a predefined box of who I was “supposed” to be.
And I was not happy.
When I finally met other people like me – other WOMEN like me – it was an epiphany in the truest sense of the word. I finally felt at home and at peace with myself. Everything clicked and made sense.
But I was still afraid. Not afraid to embrace who I was, not afraid to accept being into kink and identifying as a dominant woman; for me, the fear was all about “being outed”. Part of that fear was actually perfectly rational. At the time, I was employed by a religious organization that required I sign a Morality Contract as a condition of employment. Said Morality Contract forbid sex outside of marriage specifically and likely would have viewed any other kink-oriented activities as grounds for dismissal.
So I understand that there ARE some rational reasons to be afraid.
But mostly, I find that most of the time, when men begin to make excuses for not meeting in public (even for a cup of coffee), not going to munches (even those in private rooms), not meeting for anything MORE than coffee…
… it’s not about the excuses. It’s not even really about fear.
It’s about accepting themselves for who they are and who they might become.
There’s an entire section of self-acceptance at Barnes and Noble (not really, but there COULD be). There are platitudes and “motivational” posters galore on the Internet. You’ve seen them. You’ve read them. You’ve rolled your eyes at most of them.
But many of them have at least a kernel of truth to them.
One of the things I state in my various online profiles is this:
Know who you are. LIKE who you are.
Why on earth would I want someone or even like someone who doesn’t like themselves?
I do get that everyone is not yet there. That learning you are actually NOT who you thought you were or who you thought you were “supposed” to be is scary.
But here’s the thing that I try to impress on these men who are so afraid:
The nature of your sexuality and the intimate details of your relationships are nobody’s business but yours.
I also try to help them understand another thing I say in my profile:
submissive does not equal “less”
Also this: Enjoying anal play does not mean you’re gay. Even if you find you ARE attracted to some men sexually, that’s OK too. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to people of various genders. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in your inherent sexual preferences, provided you aren’t engaging with those who cannot give consent.
I absolutely HATE that we’ve raised generation upon generation of men who are brainwashed into thinking a 50’s sitcom type of relationship is the only acceptable type of relationship.
Because it means it’s taking men I know until their 40s or 50s to discover who they really are. To undo a lifetime of brainwashing and begin to accept your true self is daunting.
To my readers who identify as submissive or switch men, how did/do you deal with fear and self-acceptance?
How can I help men I encounter to begin that journey of self-acceptance and overcome their fears?