On Needing Control

I usually say that control is my biggest kink. I’ve amended that lately to say “I’m a reaction junkie”, but the truth is, I really really LIKE (need?) to be in control. Being in control is my happy space, my comfort zone.

A friend asked me today why I blocked someone on a couple of social media sites, and went on to say they didn’t really agree with doing that.

The someone in question had abruptly ended a budding D/s relationship with no warning, no discussion. He went on (in his email informing me of his decision to no longer be a part of the relationship) to “request” we not attempt to be friends and not even “touch base” with each other in the future. This is despite us discussing several times during our “getting to know each other” phase how we both were able to maintain friendships with exes and how we were glad we had the type of relationship that meant we’d stay friends even if the D/s didn’t pan out.

My reaction was instant – I did not respond to the email and I immediately blocked him from seeing my posts on social media sites.

My friend who disapproved of this reaction was right – blocking someone is normally not something I would ever do. It’s very out of character for me. I think I’ve blocked one other person in nearly 8 years on FetLife for example, and that person was harassing me.

It hit me a few hours after my friend’s comment – my reaction was simply about me taking back control.

When he sent that email with no warning, no discussion, when he opted for a cowardly email instead of the courtesy of a face-to-face discussion, when he preemptively prevented any future conversation with him and all discussion about his decision, he was in control. He was 100% in control of that situation and it felt exactly like being blindsided by another car while sitting at a red light (I know this because I’ve only ever been in two car accidents – both while sitting at a red light).

The easiest way for me to regain control was to take his “no discussion period” imperative further. You don’t want to allow discourse and friendship? You want to shut me out without warning? Well, then you don’t get to be a voyeur any more and read my thoughts and know what events I’m going to, etc…

Childish? Maybe.

In reality it was a very concrete and simple way for me to assert some measure of control. Doing that allowed me to move forward and not dwell on what happened.

There are certainly situations which require me to temper my need for control (such as having a boss at work, for example).

But sometimes, being able to take control of something negative that was out of my control helps me heal and move on/through/up.

(The ultimate irony in my writing this post is that I have no way to prevent him from reading this post, but that’s OK. This blog is 100% in MY control.)

2 thoughts on “On Needing Control

  1. It hit me a few hours after my friend’s comment – my reaction was simply about me taking back control.

    I know this isn’t the point of your post, but this bit triggered a eureka moment for me. I’ve always passionately hated the idea that there’s anything wrong with blocking people or deleting comments on my blog, but I’ve had trouble articulating exactly why I hate it so much.

    When I block someone I’m taking control of who contacts me and when I delete shitty comments on my blog I’m taking control of my space. When some jerkbag says that I shouldn’t do those things, what they’re really saying is “you shouldn’t have control over who contacts you or over your own space” and that’s utter bullshit.

    You don’t want to allow discourse and friendship? You want to shut me out without warning? Well, then you don’t get to be a voyeur any more and read my thoughts and know what events I’m going to, etc…

    Aside from the control thing (which I totally get!), that seems like a completely reasonable consequence of demanding no contact. Not to mention he made an extremely good case for not keeping him in your life by suddenly pulling a 180 like that.

  2. Yes, the line about taking back control resonates with me. My experience is that the “submissive” men I encounter want the same level of control of the relationship they, as men, would have with vanilla women — setting up dates, deciding when phone calls are convenient, and so forth. I find that notion ironic among men who SAY they want Female Led Relationships.

    It seems to me we ought to begin as we plan to continue.

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