Feels like seven months.
I keep waiting for the misstep. The shoe to drop. The rug to be pulled out. The “gotcha” and laughter at my expense.
I’m trying to trust it. By trying to NOT think about needing to try to trust it. By trying to just stay in the moment, stay open to what is before me.
Because that’s what got me here in the first place.
Seven days ago…
Seven days ago, I drove straight from work in Boston to the Fetish Flea (#46!) just south of Providence. Checked into my hotel. Unpacked. Ate a snack. Then headed down to check in to the volunteer lounge and get my wristband. From there it was down to the basement conference room for my CPR and First Aid training. I’d received a “scholarship” from NELA (the organization that runs the Flea) so it was only costing me $20. A fantastic deal for something that will allow me to be a DM for events and parties more often. It had been quite a few years since I’d been fully certified, and people were insisting I have it to DM (and rightly so). So there I was – tired, not particularly looking forward to the same tired Red Cross videos and to pumping away on a plastic dummy’s chest. The instructor was funny, cute, and knew his stuff – he’s an EMT and the founder and head of the First Aid service that was supporting the Flea. His charity provides First Aid and emergency help to geek (and more recently kink) events up and down the East Coast of the US and Canada. A top notch organization I’d seen in action before.
We went over our allotted time for the space and since there were only three of us in the course, we moved it up to the First Aid organization’s hotel room for the final bit and the testing out. When we were all done, the instructor (let’s call him “K”) slumped back in his chair, looking as tired as I felt. We chatted a bit – I asked him how he identified – dominant, switch, or submissive? He met my gaze and stammered that he was “mostly submissive”.
Now I’d made a promise to myself that since I was attending this Flea completely solo (one peripheral partner would be there but nobody was staying in my hotel room with me and I had no firm plans), I was going to be 100% completely open to what was in front of me. That I’d throw caution (mostly) to the wind and allow myself to indulge in the hedonistic debauchery others were always raving about happening at the Flea. That maybe, just maybe, I’d recklessly take some virtual stranger back to my room and have my way with him. To just have some no-strings-attached fun. That I’d take a jump to the left of my normal approach take a few risks.
So there was this cute guy looking rather vulnerable (my Kryptonite, vulnerability in a strong man) meeting my gaze and admitting he was submissive. We’d established during the class we were OK with touching each other socially as we’d needed to demo the Heimlich maneuver, etc… so I walked over to him and said “oh really?” never letting my gaze drop from his eyes. He looked up at me with puppy dog eyes and nodded quite seriously. I ran a hand over his hair – a quick stroke….and in that touch, that moment….
Because he melted. Utterly. He was clearly surprised by his own reaction and we exchanged quite a few hot-and-heavy D/s flirtations – fast and furious. Nothing existed in that 90 seconds or so but him and his reactions. I looked up and realized there was still another of my classmates in the room. I looked at her and apologized. She was grinning ear to ear and laughing happily saying that what she’d just seen was “fantastic” and “awesome”, etc… I grinned and looked back at K. “Room 541, by the way” I said and turned to leave. He said “really?”. And I nodded. I gave him my phone number. He repeated the room number and said “I might just do that”. And I was gone.
I only half expected him to show up. Poured myself a glass of wine. He showed up. We talked until quite late. About everything under the sun. And so it had begun.
He attended a class with me on Saturday (his first at a kink event), texted me in-between his duties with his organization. We had dinner late in the hotel restaurant and by then I knew for certain – he was hooked. He took the night off and spent the night with me. I think it’s a fair statement to say I blew his mind in a few different ways. Sunday we kept in touch via text all day, ended with a late lunch together in the hotel. Before I left he asked if he could come to my home that night instead of heading up to Canada to visit a good friend and business partner. I agreed without hesitation and gave him my address. He came over and spent that night with me too.
The next two days he was in Canada, but continued to message me throughout the day. He picked me up at a train station when my train was delayed over two hours on Tuesday and we came back to my place and he spent the night again – leaving when I left for work in the morning. And so it’s continued…
….and deepened in ways that seem almost surreal.
I’ve omitted a lot in the accounting above. I’m still processing it while simultaneously trying to NOT overthink things – to just accept what’s in front of me and trust it.
The intensity of this is something I haven’t felt in a long long time. In considering just how long, I realized this week reminded me of relationships in SecondLife (a statement only a few of my readers can fully appreciate). In SecondLife (if you’re not familiar with my experiences there, please go read THIS POST), relationships can seem impossibly intense and seem to happen exponentially faster and deeper than they do in the real world. This is due largely to the amount of time people can spend talking to each other without the trappings of “Real Life” conventions and rules. In the Real World, people date maybe once or twice a week for a few weeks. They talk for an hour or two each time – starting with pleasantries and small talk. It can take weeks to get into deeper subjects and explore feelings for each other. In SecondLife (and in this past week with J) people dispense with all of that and just ARE with each other – talking all night long – losing track of time, sharing intimate parts of themselves with each other. People often remark that their relationships in SecondLife are more intense than anything they’ve ever felt. I get that.
While K has explored some of his kinks and proclivities on his own and online, he hasn’t explored them with another person to any real extent. For all of that, he’s surprisingly grounded in his expectations, delightfully used to introspection and self-awareness. It’s almost indescribably fun to introduce him to things like service and rope and to see his genuine delight in them.
But it’s his reactions.
Dear lord his reactions.
I’ve said it before – I’m a reaction junkie. And J’s resonate with me on a level I’ve not experienced outside my fantasies.
It’s almost as if I’ve conjured him up out of my subconscious – which is why I’m trying hard to trust this.
I know he’s genuine. And I just enjoy watching him discover himself and open like a flower.
It truly feels like we’ve known each other for a very long time.
And I hope we do.
Because right now, this is very good for both of us and I’m looking forward to where it takes us.
(I’m hoping to be able to write more coherently and deeply about more specifics in time, but right now, I just needed to get these initial impressions down in writing.)